Haunting personal writings from Lindsay Clancy have been read aloud in a Mᴀssachusetts courtroom this week, offering the most detailed look yet into the former labor-and-delivery nurse’s mental state in the months leading up to the January 24, 2023, deaths of her three young children.

Clancy, on trial in Plymouth County Superior Court, faces first-degree murder charges in the deaths of Cora, 5, Dawson, 3, and Callan, 8 months. She has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity, arguing she was overwhelmed by severe postpartum depression and psychosis when the tragedy unfolded at the family’s Duxbury home. She later attempted to take her own life by jumping from a second-floor window.

Entries of Overwhelm, Guilt, and Despair

Defense attorney Kevin Reddington presented multiple journals recovered during a search of the family home. The notebooks captured Clancy’s struggles with sleep-training her newborn, the demands of caring for her older children, and deep feelings of guilt toward her then-husband, Patrick.

One entry stated: “I now have horrible insomnia and anxiety which is causing depression. I have no appeтιтe, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want help. I want to be well.”

Another read: “I feel completely disconnected with my baby. I feel like I’m going through the motions every day.”

She described feeling “completely overwhelmed taking care of the three kids” and as though she was “drowning.” In one particularly stark pᴀssage, she wrote about the pain of hearing her baby cry for more than an hour without intervening, then admitted: “I even said ‘I want to die’ to Pat when he was crying.”

An entry dated November 18, 2022 — roughly two months before the children’s deaths — said: “It’s like I’m so desperate to get a mental break from taking care of everyone that my mind is trying to make something physically wrong with me.”

Investigators also recovered a copy of the book Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts along with informational pamphlets on postpartum anxiety and depression. Clancy kept detailed notes on the psychiatric medications she had been prescribed and the side effects she experienced.

Competing Views on Her Mental State

While the diaries painted a picture of mounting distress, testimony from some medical professionals challenged the claim that Clancy was in a state of psychosis at the time of the incident.

A forensic psychiatrist who evaluated her two days afterward testified that she saw no clear signs of psychosis during a brief ᴀssessment. At the time, Clancy was still intubated and communicating by writing. Among her first written questions was whether she had an attorney. She also asked about the condition of her body and whether she could have visitors.

Another psychiatrist who treated her later said Clancy experienced visual hallucinations and delirium in the days after major spinal surgery and anesthesia, but those symptoms could be explained by her physical condition. Once the delirium cleared, Clancy denied hallucinations, delusions, or ongoing suicidal thoughts, though she asked to sign a do-not-resuscitate order — a request doctors refused because of the recent suicide attempt.

A nurse, however, testified that medical staff had discussed the possibility that Clancy was suffering from postpartum psychosis — the first time that diagnosis was mentioned during the trial.

The Central Question for the Jury

Prosecutors argue that Clancy carefully planned the events of that night and that her injuries from the jump were not intended to be fatal. The defense maintains that the diaries, her medication history, and the suicide attempt demonstrate a profound break from reality driven by untreated mental illness.

If convicted of first-degree murder, Clancy faces life in prison without the possibility of parole. If found not guilty by reason of insanity, she would be committed to a psychiatric hospital for treatment.

The trial continues as both sides present further evidence on the critical question of Lindsay Clancy’s mental state on the night her three children died. The diary entries have become one of the most closely watched pieces of evidence, giving the public and the jury a rare, unfiltered window into the private thoughts of a mother who said she felt she was drowning long before the tragedy struck.