LINDSAY Clancy’s private journal has laid bare her heartbreaking pleas for help just weeks before she strangled her three young children.
Jurors heard never-before-seen entries in which the former nurse wrote she was “desperate” for a break, felt like she was “drowning every day” and begged to “be well” before the January 2023 killings.
The bombshell diary excerpts were read aloud on Monday as Clancy’s murder trial resumed in Mᴀssachusetts, with prosecutors and defense lawyers battling over whether the 35-year-old was allegedly suffering from postpartum psychosis or was fully aware of what she was doing.
Clancy, who has admitted killing Cora, five, Dawson, three, and eight-month-old Callan before trying to take her own life, is arguing she was misdiagnosed, overmedicated and driven into postpartum psychosis.
Prosecutors allege the killings were calculated.
One of the most striking entries, dated November 18, 2022 – around two months before the children’s deaths – read: “It’s like I’m so desperate to get a mental break from taking care of everyone that my mind is trying to make something physically wrong with me.”
The journal, which covered entries from October 13, 2022 to January 18, 2023, was seized by police from the family’s Duxbury home and later read to the jury.
Clancy also wrote: “I want help. I want to be well.”
Other entries revealed the mom’s struggle with insomnia, anxiety and depression.
“I now have horrible insomnia and anxiety which is causing depression,” she wrote.
“I have no appeтιтe, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want help. I want to be well.”
Jurors also heard Clancy describe feeling “completely overwhelmed” caring for her three children.
“I feel like I’m drowning every day,” she wrote.
She admitted becoming consumed by her baby son’s sleep schedule, writing: “Hearing him cry for one-plus hours and not intervening just about killed me. I even said the words ‘I want to die’ to Pat while he was crying.”
In another entry, Clancy described suffering from “crazy brain fog” and worrying she would be unable to function when she returned to work.
She also wrote: “I feel completely disconnected with my baby. I feel like I’m going through the motions every day.”
The journal revealed guilt over her relationship with then-husband Patrick Clancy, with one entry reading: “I want to connect with Pat again. I know he needs it, I need it.”
The emotional testimony came from Mᴀssachusetts State Trooper Cory Melo, who collected the diary during the investigation after Clancy allegedly strangled her children with elastic exercise bands on January 24, 2023.
Earlier in the day, jurors heard from psychiatrists who treated Clancy after she allegedly cut her wrists and neck before jumping from a second-story window, leaving her paralyzed.
Forensic psychiatrist Dr Jhilam Biswas told the court Clancy, who was sedated and unable to speak, communicated by writing answers on paper during a brief hospital ᴀssessment.
Asked how she was feeling, Clancy wrote: “Horrified.”
She also asked: “Is my body broken? Are my legs straight?”
Prosecutors highlighted that Biswas did not record signs of psychosis during the consultation and noted Clancy had asked whether she had an attorney.
But under cross-examination, defense attorney Kevin Reddington pointed out the psychiatrist had only ᴀssessed Clancy once for around 20 to 30 minutes before emergency back surgery.
When asked whether someone experiencing psychosis could still appear normal, Biswas replied: “For some people, they can have moments of clarity, absolutely. And for some, it can be more continuous. It really depends on the patient and their illness.”
Psychiatrist Dr Sejal Shah, who saw Clancy several times over the following month, also agreed people can still communicate and make plans while experiencing postpartum psychosis.
When Reddington asked, “People can communicate and plan and act on plans even if they are in the middle of a psychosis, right?” Shah answered: “Yes.”
He then asked: “You don’t have to be drooling and stumbling and unable to walk and talk to be in a psychosis?”
“No,” Shah affirmed.
The court also heard Clancy asked to change her healthcare proxy from Patrick to her parents and requested to sign a do-not-resuscitate order, though doctors said she was not allowed because she had just attempted suicide.
Doctors also gave harrowing testimony about efforts to save baby Callan after he suffered catastrophic brain damage from an alleged strangulation.
Boston Children’s Hospital intensive care physician Dr David Casavant said Callan briefly regained a heartbeat but never breathed independently. After repeated brain tests confirmed he was brain ᴅᴇᴀᴅ, life support was withdrawn on January 27, 2023.
Clancy was seen wiping away tears in court during the testimony.
The latest evidence comes after an emotional first week of trial in which jurors heard Patrick Clancy’s anguished 911 call.
