Braden Smith has been fighting demons well beyond the football field. 

The Colts right tackle revealed that his obsessive compulsive disorder, combined with religious scrupulosity, forced him to have suicidal thoughts. 

“I was physically present, but I was nowhere to be found,” Smith told the Indianapolis Star of missing the final five games of the Colts season. “I did not care about playing football. I didn’t care about hanging out with my family, with my wife, with my newborn son. … I [felt like] was a month away from putting a bullet through my brain.” 

Smith, who has played all seven of his pro seasons with the Colts, explained that his Christian faith had warped his mindset into a more sinister, negative outlook on his life. 

Religious scrupulosity is a form of OCD that had Smith constantly repenting perfectly for every sin he committed, where he even started questioning his motivations or his delivery for his repentance. 

“There’s the actual, real, true, living God,” said Smith, who converted after being raised Methodist. “And then there’s my OCD god, and the OCD god is this condemning [deity]. It’s like every wrong move you make; it’s like smacking the ruler against his hand. ‘Another bad move like that and you’re out of here.’ ” 

Smith added that he was trying to be perfect and driving himself crazy in the process. 

“There was only one person that was ever perfect, and that was Jesus,” Smith said. “When you’re trying to live up to that standard, actually live that out, it’ll drive you nuts.” 

Unlike the physical manifestations of OCD — hand-washing or counting objects — Smith’s compulsive behaviors are mostly an internal struggle. 

“I’ll latch onto certain pieces of the Bible, certain Scriptures, talking about blasphemy of the Holy Spirit,” Smith added. “I’d be like, ‘Oh, if I think something bad about God, I’m going to hell.’ Selling my soul to the devil-type stuff, that was a prominent theme.” 

Smith went to therapy and was placed on an antidepressant and a mood booster, which his wife, Courtney Smith, said didn’t work. 

“We were all on the phone at the same time, trying to figure out how we can get him OK, he didn’t want to not play,” she said. “But the pharmaceuticals didn’t make him feel like himself, and so as his wife, I didn’t want him going out there and playing when he didn’t feel like himself, because football’s a dangerous game. You don’t want to be trying to wrestle 300-pound men if you don’t feel all with it.” 

On Thanksgiving, things took a turn for Smith as he was checked into an intensive mental health facility, where he would sit out the final five games of the season. The Colts initially called this absence “undisclosed personal reasons.” 

Ibogaine, a psychoactive compound derived from the iboga plant in Central Africa, was Smith’s self-described “last ditch effort” to a solution, though, as it is classified as a Schedule 1 drug in the U.S., he had to go to Mexico for treatment. 

“For me, it wasn’t very intense,” Smith said. “I had two hours of, like, you know, visuals, hallucinations, and nothing I can remember. … They say that ibogaine gives you what you need. You just don’t, we just don’t know what it is at the moment.” 

Smith also recalls taking the psychedelic 5-MeO-DMT, which he said “reset” his brain and helped him find God in the correct way. 

“I can’t explain it, except for me and God were intimately just one,” Smith said of his DMT experience. “When I started calling on Jesus’s name, I was like, ‘I need you to heal me, please forgive me for everything.’ I sH๏τ up, and it seemed like I was being exorcised of demons out of me, or bad energy, or whatever it was. … It didn’t take much. It just took me surrendering to God, calling on His name.” 

Smith added that he is in a much better spot now and looks forward to playing in the NFL next season. 

“I still have OCD, but it doesn’t have a hold over me,” Smith said. “It doesn’t dictate my life.” 

Smith restructured his contract with the Colts, lowering his salary from $16.75 million to $8 million this season, when he hopes to return to the high-caliber player he has been his whole career. 

“Getting Braden Smith back, and he’s in a great spot,” Colts general manager Chris Ballard said. “I think people forget how good Braden is.” 

Smith has started 92 games since being drafted by the Colts in 2018, and was the league’s sixth-best offensive tackle according to Pro Football Focus.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis, you can call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org for free and confidential crisis counseling.