Dirty blonde man meat Ryan Gosling, who played Ken in the summer blockbuster Barbie, is outraged that the Oscars have snubbed his co-star and director.

Greta Gerwig and Margot Robbie weren’t nominated for Best Director or Best Actress.

The horror!

What’s more, the Academy tapped Gosling for best-supporting actor, which – in accordance with Barbie code of honor – compelled him to undergo ritual self-flagellation.

‘There is no Ken without Barbie, and there is no Barbie movie without Greta Gerwig and Margot Robbie…’ he said in a breathless statement rushed out to the media.

Well, that’s true of a lot of movies, Ryan.

You also need cameramen and caterers!

Do they deserve a golden statue?

It’s difficult to imagine how Gosling’s ‘everyone gets a prize’ standard would work in practice. But what else should we expect from a plastic man with no genitals?

You can almost hear the baby goose’s insufferable blubbering, which is, of course, wholly disingenuous unless he withdraws his name from consideration.

You want to overthrow the patriarchy, boy? Keep yo’ name out of Academy voters’ mouths, hero!

Dirty blonde man meat Ryan Gosling , who played Ken in the summer blockbuster Barbie, is outraged that the Oscars have snubbed his co-star and director. Greta Gerwig and Margot Robbie weren’t nominated for Best Director or Best Actress.

The Academy tapped Gosling for best-supporting actor, which – in accordance with Barbie code of honor – compelled him to undergo ritual self-flagellation.

But perhaps the juiciest, most satisfying irony of all of this is that the helpless, idiot boy doll got the award – while the proud, brave Barbie girls got nothing.

And I thought only The Handmaid’s Tale was a true story.

The vicious global cabal of misogynist film critics has triumphed yet again!

Oh please, I can’t stop laughing.

I must admit I didn’t watch Barbie over the summer because I was busy doing literally anything else I could possibly think of.

The galumphing $150 million marketing blitzkrieg (more than the $145 million production budget!) made it all feel very cultish – and when the crowd turns one way, I tend to head in the other.

It became verboten for anyone – let alone a cis white man (hisss) – to utter anything but glowing praise. And when fanatics festooned in fuchsia started lining up outside early premieres shrieking with delight – that was it for me.

But last night, I finally gave in to the late Pepto Bismol hype amid the growing uproar over fake dollies receiving a very real snub.

Honestly, I wanted to love it. I wanted to feel flush with cotton candy girl power and hope.

Instead, I was robbed of two hours of my life by a Hollywood amalgam of ‘Legally Blonde’ and ‘Everything Everywhere All At Once’ extruded out on-screen in a steaming neon pile of zero-sum misandry.

Where is the Girl Code manual that says you have to hate men to achieve gender parity?

Barbie’s phony dreamworld is as cloying as Care Bears and as empty as her teacup.

I can’t believe I’m writing this but… the Academy got it right. This movie kind of sucks.

Perhaps the juiciest, most satisfying irony of all of this is that the helpless, idiot boy doll got the award – while the proud, brave Barbie girls got nothing.

The galumphing $150 million marketing blitzkrieg (more than the $145 million production budget!) made it all feel very cultish – and when the crowd turns one way, I tend to head in the other.

The sets and colors were no more vibrant than SpongeBob SquarePants (with far fewer laughs and less profundity).

Why wasn’t that cinematic masterpiece blessed with an Oscars nod?

Tom Kinney’s SpongeBob is Tom Hanks compared to Margot Robbie. But you don’t hear Patrick Star whining and sniveling the way Gosling did about his spurned castmates.

The direction was… fine. The script was… what you’d expect of a Mattel-sponsored doll-a-thon.

And America Ferrara did a lovely job delivering a courageous speech tickling all the right idenтιтy politics H๏τspots and about the impossibility of womanhood, which I guess means we’re back to two genders and fighting for equality in life and, oh I don’t know, sport?

The left is falling all over itself to demand an awards reception just for Barbie, but they’re really championing a movie that seeks to maintain a traditional gender status quo. How revolutionary!

Worse, a barrage of irrelevant clout chasers are using this moment to castrate half of society.

Enter our favorite biggest loser, perpetual lady victim, Hillary Clinton.

She penned this barf-worthy post on X, loathe to miss her place at the pity party:

Greta & Margot,

While it can sting to win the box office but not take home the gold, your millions of fans love you.

You’re both so much more than Kenough.

#HillaryBarbie

Sit this one out, America’s pantsuit. You are not the casualty of the big bad patriarchy.

Sit this one out, America’s pantsuit. 

You are not the casualty of the big bad patriarchy. 

Dry your eyes and blame your own horrible instincts, warmongering, unlikability and shoddy politicking. And need I mention your bullying of your husband’s Sєxual abuse accuser?

Rah, rah sisterhood!

Hillary single-handedly set women back a generation in politics, and trying to water her dry reputation with Barbie fan tears is nauseatingly desperate.

If only James Comey and those Latvian bot farms hadn’t thwarted poor Barbie!

Now can I please have my two hours back while I rewatch Oppenheimer?