Thirteen years later and the beanstalk is back, angrier, and now it’s got Wi-Fi.

Nicholas Hoult’s Jack is all grown up, beard game strong, living that quiet farmer life until the sky literally cracks open and drops a 200-foot war mech made of vines and spite. Turns out the giants didn’t die; they unionized. Stanley Tucci’s deliciously unhinged King Roderick 2.0 has been busy in exile forging steampunk colossi powered by cursed beans. Fee-fi-fo-fum? More like fee-fi-fo-BOOM.

Eleanor Tomlinson’s Queen Isabelle straps on armor and proves she never needed rescuing in the first place. Ewan McGregor shows up as a sky-pirate with a grappling hook and zero chill, basically Han Solo with a medieval accent.

The set pieces are bonkers: a cloud-city siege on floating castles, Jack surfing down a beanstalk while dodging cannon fire, and a final showdown where giants pilot giants. It’s gloriously stupid in the best way, like if Grimm snorted pixie sticks.

Not every joke lands and the CGI gets busy, but when that beanstalk ignites like a green inferno? Pure popcorn magic.

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